Aside from all the seriousness that you approach dating with, sometimes you need to relax, take a step back, look at the whole thing and smile. So, without further ado here’s your Friday Advice – How To Succeed On Dating Web Sites.
1. Undress to your underwear (well, if you’re home, most likely you already are) and look in the mirror. If what you see ain’t Brad Pitt, Hugh Jackman or at least Daniel Craig – admit it that there will be girls who simply not going to like you. It ain’t exactly the end of the world, after all, you also don’t like warm beer or oatmeal cookies.
2. Take a few pictures of yourself. Don’t take pictures of you with your car, it’s like saying “Here’s where I have spent all my money for”. Don’t take pictures with someone else’s expensive car either – it would be like saying “Here’s where I would’ve put my money if I had them”, which is even worse. Make sure that none of your body parts isn’t significantly larger than the rest (yep, I am talking about that beer belly).
3. Put up your pictures in your dating profile. Also, it might make sense to fill your profile on a dating web site with information about yourself. Please, DO NOT specify the size of your male organ – no one would believe it anyway, and you really don’t want to date those stupid ones that would.
4. In case you actually have a sense of humor – don’t hide it, but tread carefully. I’ve seen cases when just two statements (Looking for long-term relationship and Looking for partners for orgy) have caused severe brain malfunction for at least one of the girls on dating web site, so she closed her profile and vanished in the great unknown.
5. If you picked a “romantic poet that is young at heart” type of image – it might work, of course, but those who would be interested in such image are usually either those skinny hairy girls who neglect the shower or really interested in the poetry too much that by the time you get to a real deal you’d be retired. But if it is your choice nonetheless, please choose faster, so you would stop stealing attention from real guys.
6. If a girl, in response to your first two sentences says you’re funny – she’s actually laughing at you.
7. If she’s too eager to embrace you from the get go – that’s a trap.
8. If she’s there once in a blue moon – she has a boyfriend (or husband, or a child) and just likes to mess around with people’s heads once in a while.
9. If she’s online from 9 to 5 – she’s definitely married, just bored at work.
10. If she’s online every single evening from 6 to 10 – you would have a hard time taking her out for a date, because while she’ll be wasting her time on you someone out there might snatch the guy that’s just right for her. And you know she just can’t let that happen!
11. If she’s online only from midnight to 3 or 4 am – she’s definitely from another country.
12. The most horrible thing is that you see her online on Friday or Saturday night. That means that whoever she’s dating had found something better. Do you need some other guy’s rejects?
13. If she wrote that your dating profile stole her heart this usually means there was no heart there in a first place.
14. If, after couple of meaningless exchanges she sends you a link to some other site – it’s a spamming robot. You don’t want it.
15. If the only picture she has in her profile was taken 15 years ago on a cell phone camera this means even she understands the ugly truth.
16. If the picture looks too good to be true – it probably is. If you suspect that the picture is done a bit too professionally, chances are that this is a professional bride.
17. If she has too many pictures with different men – maybe you’re in luck. Chances are all those guys are her friends but none of them are good enough for her, so that’s where you move in.
18. If her dating profile has a bunch of pictures like “me with girls in cafe/at the beach/in restaurant” and most of them are the same girls – be careful. She might find some spare time for you, but most likely you will end up paying for her and her friends, partying all the time without ever getting closer. Maybe (just maybe) one of her friends being really drunk will agree to a blow job, but won’t be able to perform anyway because she will fall asleep.
19. There’s a separate class of girls on any dating web site, I call them “talking questionnaires“. Even if she’s going to agree to devote her attention to you, for the next 30 to 40 minutes you are going to be answering your questions. Even longer, actually, if you really could remember what was the middle name of your kindergarten teacher, when your old uncle Joe fell down the stairs and how many stairs were there, what color was the first shoes you ever wore and so on. After you brave through all of the questions she will disappear for half an hour and only after your eleventh attempt to contact her will she reply that you’re great guy and someone somewhere out there might definitely like you. Just not her and not today. Tomorrow doesn’t look good either, you know.
20. There’s another class of beings that think that if one guy stood them up for a date that means all guys are pigs. And they go out there for revenge. They want blood, if only figuratively speaking. Anything you may say will be interpreted as a proof that you’re pig. If you won’t say anything they will interpret is as that you are such a big pig that you have un-learned how to talk.
21. There’s yet another class of… let’s say people… They are wives of rich guys who have abandoned them for a young secretary or better looking mistress. In pictures they look above average (meaning – hot enough for you to have a wet dream on a spot). They are in between 27 and 47, usually with one kid. They want someone to love them. Someone to appreciate them for who they are. Someone to marry and come to US and live happily ever after. But not right now, you need to get to know each other better. Just as you start uncovering one amazing thing after another you are surprised that she also likes that “find your own tree” moment, she LOVES Audrey Hepburn or some other stuff you happen to like. There’s one little problem though – the internet is expensive where she lives. It costs around $500/month and she had almost spent all her money for her child. And her shoes are old and torn on the side. And her child wants to go to the beach next month. And so on and so forth. If you look hard enough you even may find real pictures of these abandoned wives, but to much of a surprise they look nothing like the pictures they’ve sent, wear old torn sweaters, sneakers, glasses and beards, live with their parents in Eastern Europe and don’t really care about meeting you.