Thank You For Comments

After I have completed the whole eHarmony dating web site report (Part 1, Part 2, Part 3, follow-up) I got a number of comments. Thank you for them, it was nice to see this work didn’t go unnoticed. Also, it was nice to see that there are many ladies among those who are reading this. Not sure why you are doing this, but thank you too!

Unfortunately most of these are the comments that I cannot display for a number of obvious reasons. One of them being that someone was disgruntled with eHarmony because that one guy was an asshole. It happens on any dating web site, not just eHarmony, therefore it’s a bit off the topic. Another was that quite a few of you commentators are posting real names of people who wronged you or your own names, which – for your own good – you should not be doing, unless you’re absolutely sure. And last, but not least, because  the description of your experience was too detailed and that you might regret posting this in conjunction with your names in the future, but your comment would show up in Google’s cache – forever, even if this blog would be no more. So those of you who really think you want your issues discussed – let me know, I am giving you a couple of weeks of cooling off time.

Let me address the most talked about issue from comments. It wasn’t just two people who got hooked dating liars and gold diggers, there’s a huge chunk of you, guys, who get into dating or into relationship so blindly, you keep banging your head on the closed door of the next train, not even noticing that the first one left two days ago. I can understand teenagers doing that for hormonal reasons, but after you hit your twenties half a dozen times you should know better. Open your eyes, more importantly – open your ears! Listen to her – not only it’s a sure way to get closer and to keep her, it is also the best way to spot a liar or a gold digger.

Next dating issue on the list – someone wronged you and you run around posting that person’s name on every blog and forum about dating you can possibly google. Here’s a hint – stop whining. Dating is a game, there are winners and loosers and if you already came up on a short end of stick – you don’t really want the whole world to know, do you? Do you really think spending your time copy-pasting that rant across the internet will help you find that girl you are looking for? Or do you think the person who wronged you will crawl on all four into your apartment to give you an apology and a blowjob? I don’t think so. Just shut up and move on. Find someone hotter, smarter and better – to show that person and everyone else that you can do better.

To conclude – a little story. Well, maybe not really little, but I will keep it brief. There is this friend of mine, nice guy, athletic build, smart, stable – everything a decent girl wants. He is dreaming to get a very specific type of girl – approximately his age, slim, big breasts, redhead, smart and sexy. My take on that was – good luck with that, they’re all taken already. Imagine my surprise when he shows up with exactly that type of a girl. Damn smart, damn sexy and everything else is there. He wasted half a year and huge chunk of money dating her, but she didn’t even let him kiss her. My thoughts were – what a loser, not even a kiss in a half a year! He breaks up with her and in less then three months picks up another – redhead, hotter than fire, all is there and then there’s some. To my eyes – she looked hotter than his previous girl by leaps and bounds; he thinks exactly the same thing. For all I know – they are married for almost two years already, never been happier with each other. I happen to ask them if he ever told her about that girl he dated for half a year. To much of my surprise – not only he did, he asked why would someone do something like this. Her response was straight  and to the point – “I am so lucky that stupid bitch didn’t know WHAT she had next to her”.

Please, stop grieving about someone who is that stupid. Go out and make someone happy.

Picking Up A Place For Date

Whenever you decide that you and your date are ready to go for something more then just couple of drinks, there’s always a dilemma as to which restaurant to choose. Pick something too simple – and she won’t be impressed. Pick something too fancy – and she’ll literally eat all your money out. Pick something too loud and you won’t be able to chit-chat. Pick something too quiet – and you won’t be able to make her laugh as hard as she can.

Although people don’t really put much thought to where to have that important second or third date, it is indeed makes sense to plan ahead. If your lunch budget just couple of lines below budget of some third-world country then you can skip next couple of paragraphs. The rest of you – read on.

First of all – make sure you can afford a full dinner at the restaurant of your choice. You don’t know that girl yet, so if she turns out to be a gold-digger or just a bitch who always orders the most expensive item on the menu – you have to have your bases covered. After all, there will be some other girl who you would want to bring here, so no reason of making a wrong impression on the staff. Second – make sure you have a backup, especially if your first choice is either an ethnic or theme restaurant; make sure the backup falls in the same pricing niche as your first choice. If your date can’t eat curry that puts away a lot of Indian and Thai places, so have some Italian or Greek spot handy. Third – make sure the restaurant of your choice takes the credit cards that you have (or you carry enough cash). It could be embarassing if they only take AmEx and all you have is Visa or MC.

It usually helps if you’ve been to the place before (unless both you and your date are food adventurers). Not so much to avoid surprises, but to have situation under control. Maybe recommend something, or ask the waiter for something that is tasty but hidden from the menu. I pull this trick on one dessert at some Japanese place – ladies almost scream in extasy after tasting that dessert, although it’s next to impossible to find it in the menu and it’s almost always sold out by the regular “dating time”.

Most importantly – know the attire for the restaurant. You want to “fall in” with the crowd around you, not so much for yourself, but for your date. Remember, women are much more conscious about how they look, so if she’s uncomfortable – it will be your fault that you brought her here. Your date may be jeopardized right from the start. So mention the place (unless it’s a surprise) and if she’s not familiar – tell her what you are wearing (or plan to wear), so she would get a clue as to what to put on herself. You’ll score more brownie points by being considerate which you (hopefully) will be able to redeem later.

Dating 101 – 5 dating basics. Part V – Calling The Next Day

Call her - dating adviceThis is the final part of Dating 101 – 5 dating basics. This time we are talking about calling the next day. Basically, the only reason for not calling next day is if the date was abruptly ended for some reason – like you call her “stupid bitch” or she calling you a “racist asshole”. If you parted on good terms – there is no reason for not calling.

The outcome of the date can be expressed in binary terms – either zero or one, TRUE or FALSE. In simple words – do you want a second date – yes or no? If yes – call her and say so. If no – call her, thank her and don’t ask for a second date. This is still a part of the routine to build your self-confidence and be a gentleman. So even if you won’t see her anymore – you have no idea who she might talk to. And believe me, there’s a difference for that hot chick with firm body you’ll have a chance to talk to next month – if her friend would say her date with you was “interesting, but we just didn’t click” or if she would say “he’s a schmuck who didn’t even call me next day to say thank you”. We all know the value of a good reference. This is the occasion to value it even more.

Since this is the last part of the Dating 101, let me venture on a little personal story path. There was this cute girl I went out once but we didn’t really click. Although the intellectual level was certainly there, the emotional wasn’t quite on par with what I was looking for. We had quite a good time at City Crab restaurant, waitress was certainly sure that we were heading straight for that Big Day, but – it just didn’t work. What happened next was something I would expect from a plot of a porn movie, not from my date.

Next day, when I called her, she said she felt that we didn’t quite connect emotionally. She said it was her fault. She said she didn’t want to go into that too deep, but there is this guy she feels attached to. He went on a long trip to Alaska. She’s not sure if they split for good or not. That’s okay, I said. Then she said that she really liked me and my attitude and behavior. And that she had this friend, who broke up with her boyfriend couple of months ago and is looking to start something serious. And while she herself is not really available she can pass my phone number to that friend and she will call me. She’s a nice girl, into dancing and theater, works in some major financial company, very sweet person.

To say that I was amazed is to underwhelm the situation. Dream come true. Call her the next day. You never know.

Dating 101 – 5 dating basics. Part IV – Being A Gentleman

Lady and GentlemanIt is really hard to elaborate on how to be a gentleman. It’s rather easy to say what NOT to do. Don’t be an asshole. Don’t offend her. Don’t make sexual advances too early. Don’t tell her how good you are. Don’t brag about yourself. Oh, and constantly checking out how you look in a mirror is probably a bad idea too.

A lot of women complain that guys are so chatty about themselves on a first date, that it makes it next to impossible to interrupt such monologues. The key to a successful date is two-way communication, so both of you must speak out. Don’t get too inquisitive, but be naturally interested. The idea behind first date is to see if you physically attracted to each other, if you have anything in common to talk about and if there is any spark or chemistry between the two of you. Basically – do you want to see that person again? Would you be interested in talking to her (or him)? Would you want to “go all the way” – not because you want to stick it into everything that moves, but because you naturally want this specific woman?

Being a gentleman is a good thing for various reasons. Not last one of them is self-respect. You wouldn’t abuse a date by telling her something nasty, impolite – even if she fully deserves it. Just finish the date, get her home (or whatever your parting arrangements are) and move on. Don’t stop to say that her ass takes up whole driveway – even if it does. Believe me, you’ll feel better about yourself and that will lead you to getting a better date tomorrow.

Another reason for being a gentleman is that girls TALK! You never know who your last date knows – maybe she knows someone who’s a friend of your next crush. And her talking can make a huge difference with your new upcoming affair. So be careful what you say and don’t be a schmuck.

Being a gentleman also means telling no lies. Of course everyone wants to look better then they are – that’s why silicon implants got invented! However, there are two problems with lies – a) they get uncovered, and b) they get uncovered at the most inconvenient time possible. That is why I personally try not to BS my date. If she will be interested in me – lies can kill that in a single stroke. If she’s not interested in me because my car isn’t hot enough – I am not in her market anyway.

Last, but not least – being a gentleman also means getting out of your way to please. Women like attention, they have this special gland or something that measures men’s attention to her down to tiniest bits. So if you think she’s the woman you want – please that gland today like there is no tomorrow. That’s the only way to make sure that tomorrow will come.

And it just might belong to you!

Dating 101 – 5 dating basics. Part III – Money Matters

Money are the heart openerThis is the third article on dating 101 -dating basics. And part III is all about the money.

When you paying for a lady at the restaurant – you not really impressing her with amount of money you are able to spend (remember – there is always a bigger fish). Paying for the lady is viewed by many girls as a privilege (as one of my female friends put it on her lousy date – “You haven’t earned the right to pay for me yet. And hardly will.”) It doesn’t mean you have to drive the date down if you don’t want to pay. Girl may ask if you need help with a bill, she may even dive into her bag for the money. Don’t be fooled – she doesn’t want to pay. She’s testing you. If you have any intent to continue to see that woman again in your life and not get spit in your face – you must pay for her.

This is a very touchy subject, but it has to be cleared out. The reason why you, the guy, must pick the place for a date is because you know your budget. Don’t spend all your money on a first date (you may do well on a date, there will be a second, but oops… you are out of money). Mind your budget, pick something that will not break your bank. Sure, if you are not a teenager then McDonalds and Wendy’s are out of the question. Check Zagat or Citysearch, make sure the you have a backup plan or call in advance and make a reservation. It is the attention that matters, not the amount of money nor the scale of the restaurant. One of my best dates happened in a very inexpensive local cafe, where the distraction of environment was minimal – we didn’t have to mind forks and knives so we had full attention to ourselves. The result was much more then I anticipated.

Speaking of location – once you picked the place make sure you can afford most expensive dishes on the menu. Some girls like to order the most expensive thing out there just to see how you would react. The decision is up to you, but if I see a girl ordering the most expensive meal on the menu – that’s her last date with me. First date is not about food, razzle-dazzle and how much money I can spend on her. The first date is all about first impression. I’ve heard of a guy who would borrow friend’s old beaten Buick to go on a first date with a girl while leaving his Porsche in the garage.

To sum things up – pick a known place or a place you think she would like. Make sure you can pay for both and don’t let her provoke you in any way. That, actually, is a way to prove you have self-confidence, show her that you are cool. That’s what can win you those brownie points and get you ahead of the competition.

Dating 101 – 5 dating basics. Part II – Being on time

Be On Time - DontDateGuy.comSecond article in continuation of five basic dating things you absolutely must know. This time we will discuss the importance of being on time and good time management. If you want to read the previous article – here’s the link to Part I – Self-Confidence.

Being on time means showing up at 7pm if you set your date to be at 7pm. You can be reasonably late, but whatever is over 15 minutes is way too bad. Being on time for your date is not only shows your prospective lady that you can keep your word (this is obvious), it also shows that you value her time and effort. It shows respect.

Now, gentlemen, the trivial part – she will be late. Don’t get cocky, all ladies do that. If she also reasonably late (no more then 20 minutes) – don’t even mention it. If she’s more then 20 minutes late she will give you some excuse. We kind of lost count of excuses somewhere around 18th century, but we’re sure it’s more then a few thousands. Almost always they all bogus, the good part is that you should not be concerned. The non-trivial part is the real reasons why she was late:

  • she was dressing up for date with you. Be proud, don’t forget to compliment her on how she looks. Women like to dress up and love to hear that they look good. Even if her scarf totally don’t match he shoes. However, my guess is if any man is actually capable of capturing such mismatches – he’s either gay (and thus don’t belong to our story) or a fashion designer. Not sure what’s worse but for us, the regular folk, she looks good. Or at least she wanted to and we must compliment the effort.
  • she was working long hours. Until you become “the one” – you are on a shared time with her boss, the rest of dates, non-important friends, obscure relatives and local sale events. Try to keep up or better yet – try to give her more joy then any of aforementioned events. She will naturally start spending more time with you.
  • she was on another date. Ouch, that must have hurt. However, think positive (and build your self-confidence) – maybe she doesn’t have too much of spare time and is just skimming to see what’s out there. Advantages are numerous – the date is shorter, so you have less time to say or do something stupid. There’s a slight possibility of you becoming an instant winner, so shine your shoes well (hey, you didn’t think you can go on a date in those $30 sneakers, didn’t you?).

By the way, it is usually a good idea to agree on some place where you can wait in some comfort, especially when it’s too cold or too hot outside. If you are not in your car, maybe it’s a good idea to meet up at local cafe (in NYC there’s a Starbucks on every corner, so you can hardly miss that) and then go on with your date as planned. If you freeze your brains out there in the cold (or melt them down in heat) you are just waisting time and money with this date.

Being on time doesn’t only mean showing up at exactly 8pm. It also means not moving your date from the day you both settled on. When you move a date the first thing the lady thinks is that you giving someone else a preference. So, don’t come back here whining after a month of hopeless unsuccessful calling her for three times a day. Unless there is truly an emergency – don’t move your date. You are running a serious risk of loosing it forever. It happened to me couple of times, so I know what I am talking about. There are no good excuses – you don’t actually think you can show up with letter from your doctor, so don’t contemplate it at all. That is, of course, if you are really interested in that gal. If you don’t really care – just cancel altogether.

If you read this far – here’s a bonus trick. If she shows up late but looking flawless it’s a good idea to say (in your own words,  of course) that now you see where all the extra time went and if there would be your choice you’d wait for her for as long as needed just to see her as beautiful as she is now. Never failed me to start a date like that.

First date poll

What is the first three things you notice in your date when you first see her?

Mine is:

  • hair and face features – face it, that’s the place you will be looking at for a good deal of time, so it is important;
  • body shape (I am very much a breast man, so the shape is, indeed, important);
  • articulation and body language – tells you a lot if you know what to look for (more on that later)

Don’t be afraid to elaborate in comments