Author: zealus

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Availability of Unavailable

Girl in a hot car - Dont Date Guy bogYou hook up with this great guy or gal. You exchange your phone numbers, you called each other couple of times. You set up a date. Ten minutes before the Hour H he called and said he has an emergency meeting. Or she called and said her mom got sick. You reschedule for tomorrow.

Tomorrow you get yourself ready, but 15 minutes before date he calls and says there’s an emergency at work and he needs to be there ASAP. Or she calls and says that her best friend got into car accident and she has to be there for her. You reschedule for next week.

Next week… well, you’ve got the idea. You are puzzled, because you still haven’t been on a single date with the person, so why all the avoidance? The answer is simple – the person you are trying to date is unavailable and this is exactly how such unavailability looks like in real life. The person could be married, or have a full-time girlfriend, or engaged, or… well, whatever. Point is – they play this game for either of two reasons: a) they need some excitement, and b) they want to see other people but can’t. Mainly because their other half wouldn’t let them.

Getting stood up because your date isn’t honest with you isn’t a pretty sight. Some ladies suggest that you keep couple of opportunities open for any night. If one of them failed, you can always roll back to another. Since you are not into anything serious yet, there is a high chance it will make sense. Also, there is nothing wrong with this, since this will boost your self-esteem and will just make you feel good.

Of course, if you really like the person, you’ve been on more then three dates with him or her and really want to show it – you wouldn’t do anything like this. On the contrary, offer your help, a lift to a place or a hand to help. Never worked for me though, but you may just be a little luckier.

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Dating 101 – 5 dating basics. Part V – Calling The Next Day

Call her - dating adviceThis is the final part of Dating 101 – 5 dating basics. This time we are talking about calling the next day. Basically, the only reason for not calling next day is if the date was abruptly ended for some reason – like you call her “stupid bitch” or she calling you a “racist asshole”. If you parted on good terms – there is no reason for not calling.

The outcome of the date can be expressed in binary terms – either zero or one, TRUE or FALSE. In simple words – do you want a second date – yes or no? If yes – call her and say so. If no – call her, thank her and don’t ask for a second date. This is still a part of the routine to build your self-confidence and be a gentleman. So even if you won’t see her anymore – you have no idea who she might talk to. And believe me, there’s a difference for that hot chick with firm body you’ll have a chance to talk to next month – if her friend would say her date with you was “interesting, but we just didn’t click” or if she would say “he’s a schmuck who didn’t even call me next day to say thank you”. We all know the value of a good reference. This is the occasion to value it even more.

Since this is the last part of the Dating 101, let me venture on a little personal story path. There was this cute girl I went out once but we didn’t really click. Although the intellectual level was certainly there, the emotional wasn’t quite on par with what I was looking for. We had quite a good time at City Crab restaurant, waitress was certainly sure that we were heading straight for that Big Day, but – it just didn’t work. What happened next was something I would expect from a plot of a porn movie, not from my date.

Next day, when I called her, she said she felt that we didn’t quite connect emotionally. She said it was her fault. She said she didn’t want to go into that too deep, but there is this guy she feels attached to. He went on a long trip to Alaska. She’s not sure if they split for good or not. That’s okay, I said. Then she said that she really liked me and my attitude and behavior. And that she had this friend, who broke up with her boyfriend couple of months ago and is looking to start something serious. And while she herself is not really available she can pass my phone number to that friend and she will call me. She’s a nice girl, into dancing and theater, works in some major financial company, very sweet person.

To say that I was amazed is to underwhelm the situation. Dream come true. Call her the next day. You never know.

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Dating 101 – 5 dating basics. Part IV – Being A Gentleman

Lady and GentlemanIt is really hard to elaborate on how to be a gentleman. It’s rather easy to say what NOT to do. Don’t be an asshole. Don’t offend her. Don’t make sexual advances too early. Don’t tell her how good you are. Don’t brag about yourself. Oh, and constantly checking out how you look in a mirror is probably a bad idea too.

A lot of women complain that guys are so chatty about themselves on a first date, that it makes it next to impossible to interrupt such monologues. The key to a successful date is two-way communication, so both of you must speak out. Don’t get too inquisitive, but be naturally interested. The idea behind first date is to see if you physically attracted to each other, if you have anything in common to talk about and if there is any spark or chemistry between the two of you. Basically – do you want to see that person again? Would you be interested in talking to her (or him)? Would you want to “go all the way” – not because you want to stick it into everything that moves, but because you naturally want this specific woman?

Being a gentleman is a good thing for various reasons. Not last one of them is self-respect. You wouldn’t abuse a date by telling her something nasty, impolite – even if she fully deserves it. Just finish the date, get her home (or whatever your parting arrangements are) and move on. Don’t stop to say that her ass takes up whole driveway – even if it does. Believe me, you’ll feel better about yourself and that will lead you to getting a better date tomorrow.

Another reason for being a gentleman is that girls TALK! You never know who your last date knows – maybe she knows someone who’s a friend of your next crush. And her talking can make a huge difference with your new upcoming affair. So be careful what you say and don’t be a schmuck.

Being a gentleman also means telling no lies. Of course everyone wants to look better then they are – that’s why silicon implants got invented! However, there are two problems with lies – a) they get uncovered, and b) they get uncovered at the most inconvenient time possible. That is why I personally try not to BS my date. If she will be interested in me – lies can kill that in a single stroke. If she’s not interested in me because my car isn’t hot enough – I am not in her market anyway.

Last, but not least – being a gentleman also means getting out of your way to please. Women like attention, they have this special gland or something that measures men’s attention to her down to tiniest bits. So if you think she’s the woman you want – please that gland today like there is no tomorrow. That’s the only way to make sure that tomorrow will come.

And it just might belong to you!

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Dating 101 – 5 dating basics. Part III – Money Matters

Money are the heart openerThis is the third article on dating 101 -dating basics. And part III is all about the money.

When you paying for a lady at the restaurant – you not really impressing her with amount of money you are able to spend (remember – there is always a bigger fish). Paying for the lady is viewed by many girls as a privilege (as one of my female friends put it on her lousy date – “You haven’t earned the right to pay for me yet. And hardly will.”) It doesn’t mean you have to drive the date down if you don’t want to pay. Girl may ask if you need help with a bill, she may even dive into her bag for the money. Don’t be fooled – she doesn’t want to pay. She’s testing you. If you have any intent to continue to see that woman again in your life and not get spit in your face – you must pay for her.

This is a very touchy subject, but it has to be cleared out. The reason why you, the guy, must pick the place for a date is because you know your budget. Don’t spend all your money on a first date (you may do well on a date, there will be a second, but oops… you are out of money). Mind your budget, pick something that will not break your bank. Sure, if you are not a teenager then McDonalds and Wendy’s are out of the question. Check Zagat or Citysearch, make sure the you have a backup plan or call in advance and make a reservation. It is the attention that matters, not the amount of money nor the scale of the restaurant. One of my best dates happened in a very inexpensive local cafe, where the distraction of environment was minimal – we didn’t have to mind forks and knives so we had full attention to ourselves. The result was much more then I anticipated.

Speaking of location – once you picked the place make sure you can afford most expensive dishes on the menu. Some girls like to order the most expensive thing out there just to see how you would react. The decision is up to you, but if I see a girl ordering the most expensive meal on the menu – that’s her last date with me. First date is not about food, razzle-dazzle and how much money I can spend on her. The first date is all about first impression. I’ve heard of a guy who would borrow friend’s old beaten Buick to go on a first date with a girl while leaving his Porsche in the garage.

To sum things up – pick a known place or a place you think she would like. Make sure you can pay for both and don’t let her provoke you in any way. That, actually, is a way to prove you have self-confidence, show her that you are cool. That’s what can win you those brownie points and get you ahead of the competition.

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Dating 101 – 5 dating basics. Part II – Being on time

Be On Time - DontDateGuy.comSecond article in continuation of five basic dating things you absolutely must know. This time we will discuss the importance of being on time and good time management. If you want to read the previous article – here’s the link to Part I – Self-Confidence.

Being on time means showing up at 7pm if you set your date to be at 7pm. You can be reasonably late, but whatever is over 15 minutes is way too bad. Being on time for your date is not only shows your prospective lady that you can keep your word (this is obvious), it also shows that you value her time and effort. It shows respect.

Now, gentlemen, the trivial part – she will be late. Don’t get cocky, all ladies do that. If she also reasonably late (no more then 20 minutes) – don’t even mention it. If she’s more then 20 minutes late she will give you some excuse. We kind of lost count of excuses somewhere around 18th century, but we’re sure it’s more then a few thousands. Almost always they all bogus, the good part is that you should not be concerned. The non-trivial part is the real reasons why she was late:

  • she was dressing up for date with you. Be proud, don’t forget to compliment her on how she looks. Women like to dress up and love to hear that they look good. Even if her scarf totally don’t match he shoes. However, my guess is if any man is actually capable of capturing such mismatches – he’s either gay (and thus don’t belong to our story) or a fashion designer. Not sure what’s worse but for us, the regular folk, she looks good. Or at least she wanted to and we must compliment the effort.
  • she was working long hours. Until you become “the one” – you are on a shared time with her boss, the rest of dates, non-important friends, obscure relatives and local sale events. Try to keep up or better yet – try to give her more joy then any of aforementioned events. She will naturally start spending more time with you.
  • she was on another date. Ouch, that must have hurt. However, think positive (and build your self-confidence) – maybe she doesn’t have too much of spare time and is just skimming to see what’s out there. Advantages are numerous – the date is shorter, so you have less time to say or do something stupid. There’s a slight possibility of you becoming an instant winner, so shine your shoes well (hey, you didn’t think you can go on a date in those $30 sneakers, didn’t you?).

By the way, it is usually a good idea to agree on some place where you can wait in some comfort, especially when it’s too cold or too hot outside. If you are not in your car, maybe it’s a good idea to meet up at local cafe (in NYC there’s a Starbucks on every corner, so you can hardly miss that) and then go on with your date as planned. If you freeze your brains out there in the cold (or melt them down in heat) you are just waisting time and money with this date.

Being on time doesn’t only mean showing up at exactly 8pm. It also means not moving your date from the day you both settled on. When you move a date the first thing the lady thinks is that you giving someone else a preference. So, don’t come back here whining after a month of hopeless unsuccessful calling her for three times a day. Unless there is truly an emergency – don’t move your date. You are running a serious risk of loosing it forever. It happened to me couple of times, so I know what I am talking about. There are no good excuses – you don’t actually think you can show up with letter from your doctor, so don’t contemplate it at all. That is, of course, if you are really interested in that gal. If you don’t really care – just cancel altogether.

If you read this far – here’s a bonus trick. If she shows up late but looking flawless it’s a good idea to say (in your own words,  of course) that now you see where all the extra time went and if there would be your choice you’d wait for her for as long as needed just to see her as beautiful as she is now. Never failed me to start a date like that.

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Dating 101 – 5 dating basics. Part I – Self-Confidence

Build your confidence - DontDateGuy.comYesterday I went over five basic things for dating that most guys tend to overlook. Starting this day I want to elaborate on each topic so that you’ll get the whole picture as clear as possible. Besides, it never hurts to reiterate important stuff, if guys keep forgetting about it.

Today we will talk about self-confidence. Of course, if you think you are the center of the universe you need to be reading a list of psychiatric clinics instead of this blog, but I’m sure that’s not the case. We’re talking regular folk here.

Don’t blabber about yourself too much. Even if she asks – answer should be short yet concise. Don’t boast about recent promotion yet, couple of dates later it might be a better idea. Same goes for your office and money you are making. If this is all you can bring to the table – she might think about next guy who makes more money then you. Remember, there’s always a bigger fish in the ocean.

Don’t brag on the brands you’re wearing. You will most likely alienate your date (unless she’s a gold digger and just looking for some financial support) if you will drone about your watch, your suit or your car. Most ladies know only three main car brands (those are BMW, Lexus and Mercedes) and you will have hard time and a stupid look on your face trying to explain why your car is better. Besides, it just tells her that you will not care about her more then you care about your car. And this is not the impression you’re going after.

Discussion of your former encounters must be absolutely forbidden. Keep that as far away from conversation as possible. Just don’t go there, trust me – you will never impress a woman if you mention that you had “multiple affairs”. If she strongly insists – the only allowed topic is your last relationship. Most likely she will want to know when did it end (it DID end, right?) and on what terms. Be prepared with a story as close to the truth as possible, but don’t put yourself in a bad light. After all you want her to be your next relationship and she wants to be sure you are the “good guy”. So give her something, but save juicy details for later, when she already past the point of checking references. It’s hard to suggest what to say, but outright lying is the worst you can do. From my experience (and my sources confirm that) if you say something like “we had issues and misunderstandings, I did what I could to save the relationship, but, unfortunately, failed” (in your own words, of course) could score you more brownie points then saying “she was a stupid arrogant bitch“. If she was that bad – how come you ended up with her for so long?

Unfortunately, there is no sure-fire way of telling how to be self-confident with a woman. If you know it already – you hardly need any advice at all, because that’s what chicks dig the most. Ever thought why cute girls end up with biggest assholes? Because those guys have a lot of self-confidence which ladies love to see in men. As my sources tell me – the self-confident man usually doesn’t talk much, but acts in a certain way that allows lady to identify him as a “worthy man”.

Another piece of free dating advice. Even if you fail to impress a girl and after a date or two she said that she doesn’t want to go on – do an “exit interview”. Ask what you did wrong, since this will allow you to fix your issues and don’t make same mistake again in a future. Plus, this little trick will add another extra to your self-esteem.

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Dating 101 – 5 dating basics

Just to kick start the conversation, let’s go over basics. Sure, you’ve seen this a thousand times, but according to my reports from trusted sources around 75% of us, guys, forget at least one of them. So here’s the breakdown.

  1. Be confident on your date (read more about this here). It means that you have to be calm and respectful, but not acting aloof. Also, it doesn’t mean that you have to boast about yourself all the time. Let the girl speak, listen, ask questions. And no, you can’t ask “can we go to bed already?”, not unless you are on a date with hooker.
  2. Be on time (read more about this here). Girls don’t really want to wait, so unless she’s looking for a sugar daddy and you take your time deciding between Bugatti and Rolls-Royce – be on time. Bring your trusty smartphone or PDA (not your favorite porn magazine), because you will be waiting for at least 10 minutes. It’s very rare that the girl would show up on time (if she does – she’s either desperate or control freak, either case is very dangerous, beware!).
  3. Bring enough cash (read more about this here). You WILL BE PAYING FOR HER ON A DATE. Unless you are a dork, mama’s boy or plain old asshole – you will be paying for her on a date. If you want more then just a date – you will be paying for her on a date. If you want her to respect you – you will be paying for her from the beginning. Unless, of course, you are looking for sugar mommy. But then – you are reading the wrong blog. This is one of the main tricks girls like to play: when your waiter brings your check she may go for a wallet. This is a good moment to do two things. First – tell her (with confidence in your voice) that you will take care of that. Second – if her hands are close enough – try to cover her hand with yours. Oh, and try not to nail her little palm to the table – be gentle. It may not sound like much, but it will give you the necessary clues as to what she thinks of you. If she insists on paying no matter what – you’re out. If she takes her hand out from under yours too fast – bad sign. If she lets you pay and don’t immediately withdraw her hand – you’re on the right track, keep up the good job.
    (Note: a dinner for two in a nice restaurant in NYC, Brooklyn or Queens may run up to $150, so make sure you have something left afterwards. Also, be prepared and have couple of alternatives in case she’s a vegan, don’t like sushi or not into exotic food).
  4. No matter how good, bad or inadequate you think your date was – be a gentleman (read more about this here). Don’t say or do anything that may offend her. Wait until she’s in the cab, or in case you are driving her – make sure she enters her house/building. In New York boroughs it is considered a nice gesture to wait for lady to enter the building and shut the door behind her. Doors have plenty of glass for you to see that she’s safely inside. Again – doesn’t sound like much, but if your date wasn’t a total disaster it may give her a thought that you are a considerate man. If she already doesn’t think you’re a freak, that is. After she’s out of sight you can proceed to calling yourself a moron for telling that stupid story you thought was funny, spilled ketchup or whatever else we, guys, do on a sloppy dates.
  5. Call her next day and thank her for the time (read more about this here). Yes, she looked ten years older and twenty five pounds larger then her pictures on a dating site where you hit it off. Yes, she ordered the most expensive meal at the restaurant just to see how you will react. And yes, she didn’t let you kiss her goodbye when she left. Call her. You still may be surprised. My trusty sources tell me that by next day girl doesn’t remember half of your flops but will remember that you liked her sense of humor, her fluffy hair or how you opened the car door for her. Use it!
  6. BONUS! ONE MORE FREE DATING ADVICE! One more thing you absolutely must do on any date. Be generous – give her plenty of compliments. Even if she totally don’t deserve it – they cost you nothing at all. Don’t go into clothes unless you absolutely know what you are doing, but be inventive. If she spills coffee on the table say you too like to tell future by looking at coffee grounds.
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First date poll

What is the first three things you notice in your date when you first see her?

Mine is:

  • hair and face features – face it, that’s the place you will be looking at for a good deal of time, so it is important;
  • body shape (I am very much a breast man, so the shape is, indeed, important);
  • articulation and body language – tells you a lot if you know what to look for (more on that later)

Don’t be afraid to elaborate in comments